>Welcome students, welcome to another year here at Hogwarts. To our First Years I have a few notices I wish to announce. An unmarked, random room in this castle will kill anyone entering it. It is such because I decided to hide an extremely dangerous and powerful artifact at this institution for children. Please also note that if you enter the schools forest, it will be a very painful and certain death from the dozens of ferocious creatures roaming it.
>Despite being the safest place in the world for wizards, there is a coin flips chance that one my employees this year is on first-name basis with the most evil wizard in living memory. I am of course speaking of VOLDEMORT. Yes, I said his name. I am not scared for my life, but you should be. Which one is it this year? Personally, my bet is on professor Snape."
>I am also pleased to announce that the quinquennial Death Tournament will be held this year. The three underage contestant will endure three deadly trials for no other reason than my personal amusement. I encourage anyone from monetarily struggling families to enter so that you can recover from the outrageously expensive and gratuitous equipment we require you to purchase to attend this school. You dont want your family to starve do you? So please enter! Speaking from experience, casualties are frequent and amusing.
>Lastly I need to address the elephant in the room, or rather the snake in the room. I personally distrust and loathe the members of the Slytherin House, and as such, if Slytherin wins the House Cup through effort and hard work, I will overthrow the result by giving arbitrary points to whatever house I feel like"
>As the students get out of their seats and scramble out of the main hall, Dumbledoor looks across the teachers table with a mocking grin
>Severus, see me at my office immediately . We need to discuss your Lily-cuckold situation
